I recently became aware of three conflicting internal viewpoints concerning the way I view myself when it comes to relationships.

Under the first, I'm probably overconfident. It'll sound arrogant to say it, but I feel like I'm the coolest person that I know. My variety of interests/knowledge/experience are wider than almost anyone that I know of similar age. I can have engaging conversations about a really huge range of topics. This causes a problem when I try to find someone that I can really relate to - someone that's also capable of being fascinated by broad learning. In this sense, I've elevated myself, and no one's "cool enough". However, this gets tempered by my second point.

I know the darkness within me. I'm not talking violence or hatred. I'm talking about my personal disconnect with God. I'm talking about my struggles with sin. The things that I have seen and thought are quite opposed to the ideal relationship that I'm seeking. In that sense, my continual failures mean that I'm wholly undeserving of what I'm looking for. "It's not going to stop until you wise up." I fear that I will never wise up.

Finally, the third element is apathy. I just don't care enough. I carry along without remedying the darkness or the overconfidence, because it's easier that way. This side tells me: "Nothing's worked in the past...so what's the point?"

All three of these mindsets are fighting for attention, and it's left me fairly conflicted.