Okay, so I'm tired of saying that I'm going to write about theology and then not doing it. So here I go...I'm finally writing about it. Actually, you know what? I can't keep this thing narrow enough, so I'm going to try to make it a more comprehensive discussion of my spiritual life.

I was born into a Christian home. When I was a baby, I was baptized in First Presbyterian Church in Chattanooga. I'm a bit fuzzy on when I first accepted Christ - something that has always bothered me when I hear people give great testimonies - but I believe I was around 4 or 5 years old. Actually, the very first memory that I can recall is walking through the parking lot of the church, hand-in-hand with my parents. Sweet memory, eh?

Well, one of the next earliest memories occured when I was old enough to understand baptism and was baptized for a second time. The event was punctuated by the fact that I accidentally tipped over the bowl of water from the Jordan River. My childhood faith wasn't incredibly introspective, but I recall "Seek Ye First" being my favorite hymn. I think we also earned stickers for memorizing the Doxology and Bible verses. Some of these were through Sunday school, while others were through Vacation Bible School.

Not long after I moved up to Lookout Mountain from Brainerd, my family began attending Lookout Mountain Presbyterian Church. Within a couple of years, I went through a catechism class and joined the church. At this point, my thoughts concerning faith began taking shape, and my horrible work ethic began showing itself. I recall my first communion with fondness - I think understanding was beginning to manifest itself.

Each summer, I attended a Christian camp called Maranook and got my first tastes of what many in the community call "spiritual highs" - those times during/after retreats where you feel refreshed in your spiritual life. Coming down from those highs often causes frustrations, but I still appreciate the fact that I rededicated my life on at least a number of occasions. I think this is where worry first began entering my mind. "Am I really a Christian? Well, I better recommit in case I'm not."

This doubt would rear its head as I entered highschool, and I must admit, it occasionally haunts me still. I mean, so many people call the Bible fairy tales. The stories do seem a bit supernatural, don't they? How can we have faith in an old book of stories? How can we have faith in a being that doesn't directly show himself to the modern world? I mulled over these. I still mull over them at times.

As I philosopically and historically questioned, I sought answers. I began reading and debating more. I had to figure out what I believed. As I did so, it became increasingly clear that the world doesn't make any sense to me outside of a Christian perspective. Paraphrasing, Lewis calls it just improbable enough to be real. When assaulted by logic, it's clear that theism or agnosticism are very rational beliefs. When you take into account that logic doesn't spring from a random universe, I think it's clear that we were created by a higher power. God fits perfectly.

As for our human condition, Christ is the perfect solution. Christianity seems to be the most practical of any religion that I've studied. It accounts for the fact that we are utterly sinful creatures. It incorporates love of God and others as the greatest commandments. And, most importantly, it recognizes that only by grace through faith are we saved. I guess what I'm saying is that the whole thing clicks in my head.

By highschool, I also began examining church doctrine. Growing up Presbyterian (PCA), I hadn't really analyzed the denomination. As I began discovering that calvinism is central to the reformed faith, I pulled away. Calvinism somewhat repulsed me. For those of you that aren't familiar with the term, it emphasizes predestination - the idea that Christians are the chosen elect of God. I felt like this idea turned us into robots. I didn't understand how love could exist in a world without choice. In an argument of Calvinism versus the converse, Arminianism, I noted that the idea seems manipulative. My hypothetical example...in the Arminian world, I choose whether I like chocolate. In the Calvinist world, I like chocolate, but it's because God tweaked my brain to like chocolate. I'm sure that the non-Christians in the crowd are as utterly taken aback by this idea as I was. If we don't have choice, how are we to be held responsible? However, the Calvinists make a compelling argument that humans are so utterly hopeless that we can't choose God on our own. Faced with this, I eventually came to the conclusion that I believed something in the middle - God remains sovereign, but allows us some form of choice and also chooses us at the same time. I let the debate sit for years.

However, within the past couple of years, I began reading CS Lewis and recalling my Presbyterians roots. I picked the predestination discussion back up. I've come to the conclusion that I'm moving back towards Calvinism. God has shown his grace to those that believe. God has called us to continue praying and spreading the word. We might not understand his wisdom fully at this point - it might contradict with our idea of fairness - but ultimately, without God's grace, we all deserve death. I still have some qualms with the system - particularly the fact that it's named after a guy that I have little respect for - but I'm still headed that direction. I really need to start looking into a Presbyterian church in the area.

As for Lewis, I believe that I've quoted him before, but I've been devouring his books over the past few years. When I was young, I wasn't particularly fond of The Chronicles of Narnia, but a number of years ago, I picked up The Screwtape Letters and thorougly enjoyed it. Upon David W's urging, I then read through The Great Divorce, which is an excellent look at a hypothetical afterlife. Mere Christianity then affirmed my faith more than any book outside of the Bible. Miracles, The Problem of Pain, and The Weight of Glory have given further shades to my beliefs. I still have a number of his books that I'd like to read. I was in the middle of his auto-biography Surprised by Joy before I misplaced it. I also quite enjoyed the film about his life, "Shadowlands". Ever heard that question about what three people from history you'd meet if you could go back in time? If I couldn't pick Christ, I'd pick Lewis, Lincoln, and Churchill. I have incredible respect for those men.

All this said...unfortunately, I've often substituted all this love of apologetics and theological discussion for development of my faith. I can defend Christ all day in arguments, I can seek to love others, but when it comes to developing my relationship with him, I feel quite ashamed. I take small solace in the fact that I have continued reading Lewis and attempted to memorize Bible verses, but I don't pray or read the Bible nearly enough. As for church attendance, I gradually stopped going very often in highschool. I was able to make my own decision, so made the poor choice and slept in. Once I came to Auburn, I began attending more regularly, and I plugged in with Navigators, though I feel disheartened to say that my attendance has been lackluster lately.

How in the world do I go through a day without thanking God for what he's given me? How is it that knowing his love, I still continue to stumble so much?