10 Comments
'assonance'! Thank you, Emma. That's the word I've been searching for. I actually did keep that in mind while composing. You might've noticed the reoccurances of the syllables 's' and 'k' throughout the poem.
That middle stanza does seem to be the most controversial. I attempted a transition into it, but I might not've done a very good job (that might be the first time I've ever written 'not've').
What does everyone think of the new links by the way? Marit helped me soften them a bit from the earlier harshness.
Finally, I'm dying to update, and I feel quite guilty about not putting anything up yet.
Oh, and thanks again for the comments.
Posted by marchant @ 01/05/2004 04:08 AM CST
Honesty: I didn't like it on the first read. Or the second. But after reading these comments, I tried reading it aloud. Now I really like it, except for the line "Seen by all, appreciated by most." I find myself making similar sentences in my own writing and I usually end up changing them or leaving them and hating it.
Posted by theanimation @ 01/04/2004 09:23 PM CST
Oh, Marit, I completely disagree. Poetry doesn't need a regular rhythm anymore - we've moved on from that. I really like the way this sounds outloud, especially the lines with assonance, like "chaotic screens
and gloss magazine covers". But then poetry is a really personaly thing.
Posted by Emma @ 01/03/2004 05:54 PM CST
Obviously poems don't have to rhyme, but having a meter that reads like a severe case of the hiccups isn't serving your subject well at all. Try reading it out loud -- it's like being in a car with someone who doesn't know how to drive stick.
I like the idea though, and I agree with Emma that it shows promise.
I hope you had a good Christmas. My parents gave me a hat with ear flaps and it has THREE tassels. Good gravy, I'm at the height of fashion now.
Posted by Marit @ 01/02/2004 02:00 PM CST
Poems don't have to rhyme. I hardly ever like amateur poetry, but I think this shows promise. And it doesn't sound like prose forced into poetry. It's good.
Posted by Emma @ 01/02/2004 11:20 AM CST
Is this poem about sunsets? Fog? The colors of the rainbow? No. Then it must be about someone and your fascination with her...right?
Posted by I'll save you the trouble...Blah @ 01/02/2004 09:35 AM CST
Is this poem about someone?
Posted by Blah @ 01/01/2004 11:02 PM CST
This thing doesn't even rhyme!
Posted by Will Shakespeare @ 01/01/2004 04:11 PM CST
I think I am starting to get the poem. It's about a girl right? Five foot six, goes to Auburn, does NOT like marchant? Yeah this "poem's" not half bad. It's all bad.
Posted by Bob "Big Dog" Frost @ 01/01/2004 04:10 PM CST
I've gotten positive feedback on the poem (though no one seems to be commenting lately). However, Cassie confirmed my suspicions that it seems like prose forced into poetic form. Wish I knew what I could do to improve.
In journal news, I rearranged the links a bit and added an "About Me" page.
Posted by marchant @ 12/29/2003 05:33 PM CST
