The Chronicles The Cat's Pajamas
The Start May 17, 2003 The End
previous - archive - current - next
about - cast


Melancholy & The Relationship Follow-up
It's not as if I've ever made much effort to conceal my personal life from public scrutiny. And, it's not as if I've got much of a choice in how to respond. I apologize for the follow-up, and I apologize for dragging this journal back to a dark chapter of about a month ago. I can't help it. I've got to respond to this excerpt from "Six days...".

    As far as Marchant goes... we're taking a break from talking. It was my decision. I made some mistakes, he made some mistakes... it got to the point where I needed to stop talking to him. I think I'm going to slowly phase him out. The hurt is all forgiven... but... right now I don't want constant reminders of how much he "accidentally" hurts me. People, "sorry" is not always good enough! No one is that freakin' forgetful or "absent minded." I'm past mad... remember how I just dropped Sarah? After she time and time again hurt me? This is where he has ended up. I'm not mad, I don't care anymore. I am capable of just shutting out part of my life and not looking back. I'm so used to it by now. Blame me, I don't give a f***.
Can I iterate how incredibly crappy it feels to have someone that you want to be friends with talk about "phasing" you out of her life? It's like...I was a project that the company has decided is unviable. I'm not being downgraded...I'm being phased out. About a week ago, we decided to take a break from talking. I told her to call me whenever she feels like talking again. Apparently just seeing my name was angering her. I will say that it's nice not feeling guilty every other day for "screwing up" in an original manner. It's strange...I have the same conversations with other people. About 1% of what I say to a general audience is offensive or insensitive. When I talk to her, that balloons to 20%. I guess I'm just not good enough for her standards. Maybe her dream will fill all of her expectations.

She seems to have been happy since we've stopped talking...incredibly happy in fact. On the one hand, I'm glad that she's happy...that's all I ever really want for her. Still, it makes me sad that I make her so unhappy while trying to be her friend. I absolutely abhor losing friends. Maybe these things just take time. Strange to think that a month and a half ago I had just gotten back from Phoenix. And then in the weeks after our break-up, I we were still trying to plan a visit. Now...she doesn't care at all. She's turning her back.

Sometimes I question why I still care. Why is it that I keep inflicting myself and her with miserable conversations in which I'm consistently made to feel guilty and yelled at? I can't even say that without her telling me that I'm trying to make her feel guilty. And yet I still care. She says that I say it without meaning it - words without actions. If I didn't really care, would I expend this much thought? Would I bear this hurt? Would I see a little gift in the store and want to buy it for her as a friend? Would I wish her good luck on graduation despite knowing fully well that she doesn't give a damn about me?

Somewhere in an alternate universe, an alternate version of me is in Phoenix right now unable to build up the courage to stand up for what's right. I keep thinking that he'll probably be a lot worse off than me in a month.

I don't know how to describe my emotions...more frustrated with the situation than anything else. With that, I move on to more upbeat topics.

Swell Cinema
I've seen three movies of note recently. I forgot to mention "X-Men 2" in my last entry, but it was quite good. I really liked it a lot better than the first. The first was decent, but it really served as more of an introduction. At first I was a little bit skeptical about the villain in the second one, but it really got to the meat of the story. Scotty was supposed to yell out "HULK SMASH!" during the preview for "The Hulk" before "X2", but I guess he wimped out on us. On a side note, has anyone ever tried Captain Season's popcorn flavorings at the movie theaters? I really like chocolate marshmallow. Reminds me a bit of the flavor of cereal marshmallows. It usually takes some coaxing to get other people to try it, but most of the time they like it.

The second notable movie was "Treasure Planet". I'd wanted to see it in theaters, but never could find anyone to go with. I liked it, but then again, I also liked the lambasted "Atlantis". I guess I just like adventure movies. Much better than the "Pocahontas" and "Hunckback Of Notre Dame" crap that Disney was putting out for a while. Still, I suppose the Pixar films and "Emperor's New Groove" are the best of the bunch in the past ten years. You just can't beat talking toys, monsters, and llamas.


Finally, the last movie of note was one of the rare indy gems that I come across in Blockbuster every now and then. "Man Of The Century" is a story about a fast-talking chivalrous newspaperman from the 20's living in the 90's. There's no sci-fi time travel technique to it. He just exists. The black and white aspect is excellent and the slang and references keeps things consistently interesting. I especially like the use of "jake" to denote "cool".

Miscellaneous
My sleeping schedule continues to be par for vacation time...meaning my favorite adjective..."whacked". Five hours of sleep one night and thirteen the next is seriously strange. On top of that, I've been pretty sore the past several days from working out and occasionally I've felt somewhat sick to my stomach.

Surprisingly despite all that, I've been having a good bit of fun. I've gotten a chance to hang out with my family a great deal. In addition, I've started my first real job. I know, most of you thought it'd never happen. The night before last, I spent about five hours waiting tables. I was pretty nervous at first, but I managed to work my first table quite well. The second was going great until it came to entrees. Then, for "fun", I tacked on two large tables outside. My mom was holding a sampling dinner with free entrees and a more restaurant service style than the normal cafe style. The problem was that we were too popular for our own good. We packed the place and were ill-equipped to prepare that many appetizers and entrees in such a short period. As a result, it was taking two hours for my last two tables to get their meals. I kept throwing chips, bread, and drinks at them, but it was extremely frustrating having to tell them that we'd run out of something or that they had to wait longer. Most of the people were pretty understanding though and I actually got tipped well. In addition to work, I've also gotten to see Glenn a bit, and I hung out with Jeremy and some other friends the past few nights.

Other points of interest...I found out that this girl down at work speaks several different languages. I guess she's one of the first other languaphiles that I've met in person. Hmm...what else...oh, the DDR machine is now upstairs. So that ought to waste away many hours and help with my withdrawal from my home pads. I've actually realized that I prefer my pads at home to the real arcade ones. Oh, and finally, I've been talking with E a lot lately. I mean, not too in depth, but we've had a good chat most days.

In conclusion, what is it with North Carolina?

"I especially like the word 'jake' to denote 'cool'."

22 Comments

Oh my goodness. Is it official, Marchant? You like Elisa (a.k.a. "E"), don't you?

As for North Carolina, it is one beautiful state.

Posted by Mallory @ 05/31/2003 02:01 PM CST


Well it has finally come to an end;
I said goodbye tonight.
And though I'm glad it's through,
It doesn't all feel right.
It's like part of me is gone;
A hole that's hard to fill;
And despite what they all say,
I doubt it ever will.
It's a choice I made,
Though some think it's sad;
Still they say you can't miss,
That which you never had.

I'll never feel her soft touch again
Or the sweet smell of her hair;
Her beautiful smile will never be for me
Nor her tenderness and care.
Her harmonic voice I'll never hear;
I'll never be in her dreams.
To love I'm now dead;
It is killing me or so it seems.

I act the same and so I am;
Yet part of me is gone;
Still part of me can't let go;
Forever is so long.
Every day you are at my door;
Don't look my way or call my name;
My pain is worse than yours;
In time, all things must change.

Jesus can you spare some mercy,
Another drop upon my wretched soul;
Without you I'm nothing;
Without you I'm less than whole.

Posted by He gives much more joy than pain @ 05/21/2003 11:01 PM CST


North Carolina, strange indeed... quite strange, but you gotta admit, some parts of it are quite beautiful...
Anyways, I've gone through a relationship EXACTLY yours lately... I met a girl who, after expressing her UNDYING love for me, somehow, shut me out of her life, turned her back, and locked my away in some dark abyss of a dumpster she keeps somewhere in her preconscious to keep her less than perfect, twisted past out of her head. Man, feels like hell doesn't it? How can someone be so incredibly cold? It just doesn't make sense... yet, it does on an interesting level. Heh, I can't tell you how many times I've heard the phrase, "MOVE ON!" Hmmm, Far too often...
Anyways, I wish I could tell you how to win her back, but unfortunately, I'm as dumfounded as you are about this whole situation... still, keep up the fight, keep thinking... there simply HAS to be a way to mend something like this, especially since it seems to have struck twice (you've given me a glimmer of HOPE here!). Well... If I get any ideas, you'll be the FIRST to know!
Yet, you have to wonder, is it worth all the effort? Will it ever be the same again? Well... ultimately, these things are left up to you... and only you to decide.

Posted by Another Random Observer @ 05/21/2003 09:44 PM CST


That's the tennis team. Tennis. How did I leave that out?

Posted by Jeremy @ 05/20/2003 11:28 PM CST


REPEAT! REPEAT! The CCS Boys have repeated as state champs with a clean sweep thru the semis and finals at the Spring Fling. Congratulations, Ray, and all other members of the Chargers squad. Here's to hoping all Chattanooga teams kick butt this week to convince people that the Spring Fling belongs at its birthplace--The Scenic City.

Posted by Jeremy @ 05/20/2003 11:27 PM CST


north carolina is bittersweet still. but kaley's dead, and her bittersweet too.

we'll bury them side by side.

Posted by you see through me @ 05/19/2003 10:25 PM CST


Or, everyone not involved and who doesn't know the situation can accept it and let them deal with it. Relationships have far too many sides to be accurately advised upon when they go wrong, other than "The other person sucks." "Move on" is the only worthwhile advice (to make a broad, probably inaccurate generalization).

Posted by Random Observer @ 05/19/2003 09:14 PM CST


I know what Marchant's problem is. It's simple, really: he has cooties. A quick cootie shot will cure all his woes with the ladies. For a nominal fee, I can do this for YOU!

TO BE COOTIE-FREE, CALL ME!!

HELL YEAH, I CAN RHYME, TOO!!!!!

Posted by Marit @ 05/19/2003 07:13 PM CST


Discombobulated... tmi. wtmi. :o)

Posted by Cassie @ 05/19/2003 06:03 PM CST


Actually, I just got done pleasing myself earlier this afternoon. I love the internet.

Posted by discombobulated @ 05/19/2003 05:17 PM CST


I agree with the outsider! Marchant needs a different girl, or he'll end up where he is right now. He needs to move on.

I agree with Marit as well. I've been mean... so has he.

And one more high five to the outsider for realizing that I don't give a care about looking good to everyone. I know that some people can't deal with the fact that not everyone puts on a show for their pleasure... but yes, it's a fact.

I see no reason for putting on a facade of myself so that a total stranger approves of me. I'm me... deal with it folks. I'm sure none of you are all that perfect either.

I please whoever is pleased with what I do... there's no picking and choosing. You either like me or you don't, and honestly, I don't typically do much to change someone's opinion of me.

Go please yourself. I'm concerned with other things. :o) Tata!

Posted by Cassie @ 05/19/2003 02:26 AM CST


is it reasonable to believe that marchant maybe doesn't need someone like her? if he keeps rehashing the same girl, the same problems will arise and he'll feel the same guilt and sadness he's feeling now.

btw, it's a rough row, trying to please everyone. i don't think cassie's as concerned with it as some of you would like. and there's not a thing wrong with that.

Posted by outside, mostly @ 05/19/2003 01:44 AM CST


.ereht tuo reh ekil esle enoemos eb ot dnuob si erehT .reh wercs ,yas I .aes eht ni hsif erom era erehT

Posted by detalubobmocsid @ 05/18/2003 08:42 PM CST


Hey man, Cassie treats you like shit. Just an observation.

Posted by Marit @ 05/18/2003 05:54 PM CST


...I'd care to listen.

Posted by marchant @ 05/18/2003 04:41 PM CST


One more thing... the emotionally masochistic part has nothing to do with Marchant. It is entirely separate from that situation.

Posted by Cassie @ 05/18/2003 03:10 PM CST


Because the bear has been special to me since childhood and it means a lot more to me than Marchant does. It is symbolic of something that I doubt anyone here would care to listen to.

Posted by Cassie @ 05/18/2003 03:09 PM CST


Actually, Jeremy...sadly, he did win as Mr. X. I think it's a lot easier with fewer detectives. The name of the game is "Scotland Yard".

Let me also note that I didn't intend the first part of this entry to mean that I've never been at fault. In fact, I'm at fault quite a bit. I do and say rather stupid things sometimes. I only intended to provide some contrast. Finally, the bear is in the mail. Sorry for it taking so long.

Posted by marchant @ 05/18/2003 03:02 PM CST


Girls intentionally confuse guys so they can feel superior. And if "emotionally masochistic" is Cassie, then I have a question. How can you so easily choose to sweep marchant under the rug, and yet still gripe about not getting your bear back? Why can't you just let go of that too?

Posted by discombobulated @ 05/18/2003 11:43 AM CST


Marchant, what was the name of that game that we played at Wes' on Wednesday? That game was awesome. Let's play it again soon. By the way, did Zac back up his smack when I left? Remember he thought he could kick butt as Mr. X against you and Wes? How did that turn out?

Posted by Jeremy @ 05/17/2003 10:44 PM CST


dude, where's my bear? haven't you kept it long enough?

Posted by emotionally masochistic @ 05/17/2003 05:16 PM CST


North Carolina smells like Amby.

Posted by Marit @ 05/17/2003 03:45 PM CST


previous - archive - current - next
about - cast


talk to me

Powered By Greymatter