YAP

So, yeah, yet another project (YAP) to pursue...exactly what I need considering I can't keep up with the ones I'm currently involved with. Eh well.

I figure that most of the people that read this...if anyone reads it...will be people I know, so I'm not sure I really need to go into a long introduction concerning who I am. For those uninformed masses though, we'll just say I'm a guy...gonna be 19 in a few months here...attend Auburn University in Lower Alabama where I've got an apartment to myself...originally from Chattanooga, TN (specifically Lookout Mountain, GA) where I went to school at Chattanooga Christian School for 10 years...have two younger siblings...parents are divorced, but dad is remarried...and to sum up my personality, I'm an overachieving, cynical romantic with a penchant for procrastination. Blah. That was much longer than I intended.

Editor's Note (2/22/07): I'm currently 24; I share an apartment with my brother; my mom is remarried, and my dad's divorced for the second time.

History

Guess I'll explain the (original) title though...
'The Search of a Romantic' is basically the thing I've been on for so many years that I've basically forgotten life without it. Every day, it gets ingrained into me further. For several years now, I've wondered if it will ever end. Perhaps a history of my relationships will better explain...

(sorry it's so long, and excuse the first part, as I wrote it many years ago)

"One Kiss"
The following is the always expanding story of my relationships. I've recited it so many times that I felt it might be good to have it written down.

Fall '87-Spring '90: Abbie
I'll begin at the beginning (good place to start, eh?) and go in chronological order...In kindergarten, I started going out with a girl named Abbie. Most people I talk to tell me that it doesn't count, but I consider her a girlfriend, and we did kiss on five different occasions. Anyway, we went our separate ways when, after second grade, she got held back and I changed to CCS. I don't remember dwelling on it very much. I guess at that point, it didn't seem altogether important to me.

Spring '91-Summer '93: Staci
Changing to CCS turned my world upside down. To this day, I don't know what necessitated the move, but looking back, I'm glad I made it. When I arrived, I only knew three people, but quickly became friends with everyone in the class, and Aaron and I became best friends. I didn't really have interest in any of the girls until one January morning. It wasn't gradual or premeditated. It just suddenly came upon me as I sat, looking at Staci from across the room.

I decided to write a note. It simply said, "I love you. - Marchant". While I was writing it, Jodi passed behind me and oversaw it. At the time, she was the class's biggest gossip, so I told her not to tell. To further complicate the matter, I got Aaron and Evan to deliver the note. Then, when Staci received it, she read it with Amy. Suddenly, Mrs. Cox noticed it and snatched it up. I can still remember the expression she made when she looked it over. It's one of those wide-eyed looks that will be forever etched in my memory. By the next recess, everyone knew. The good news was, she had accepted my "request" to go out with her. We went out for two and a half more years, until drifting apart over the summer between fifth and sixth grade. I vaguely recall rumors that she didn't like me, but I'm not sure. For years after that, I assembled a wall of uncomfortability between her and me.

Fall '94: Heather
In sixth grade, I sat beside a girl named Heather. She and I became friends and began going out in the summer and early into the seventh grade. I distinctly remember asking her out in front of her friends, despite Patrick's arguments that she asked me out. Eventually, she dumped me for a guy named Bryan, and didn't even have the courtesy to tell me. I remember being mad at Bryan and at the deliverer of the message, but strangely, I wasn't mad at her. After a while, she was single again, and I asked her if she wanted to go out "privately" (I blamed rumors for the first break-up). She agreed. Only a week or so later, I caught her flirting with a guy named Ryan. After that, I confronted her and told her that we couldn't continue going out if she did that. Her response: "We were going out?" That hurt, really badly. So, I renewed a vow I had made after sixth grade - to not go out with anyone until highschool.

Fall '96: Chari
Highschool finally came, and so, in October of my freshman year it was legal (according to my vow) to get a crush. From the first time I saw her walk in the door, I knew Chari was beautiful. Even after all the guys in in our grade began pursuing her, I couldn't help but think, "I saw her first." However, the dark, dreary atmosphere of Mrs. Young's room, where I first saw her, would set the tone for the whole fiasco. I asked her to the first dance, but she had already been asked and wasn't going with anyone - to avoid "hurting anyone's feelings" or something like that. At the dance, I kept trying to ask her to dance, but a second before I could, some other guy would. It happened about a dozen times during the evening. What hurt the most was when they announced the last dance. I walked out the door with everyone else, but heard them play another song. So, I came back in and noticed she was still there dancing with a guy, who had bad-mouthed her the previous day to a bunch of guys, to "Brown Eyed Girl". The whole thing biased me against dances for a long time after. Despite all this, over the next year or two, I attempted to get to know her, but all I was met with was coldness. She was to come back into the story later, but I'll get to that in a bit.

Spring '98: Jenn
After three internet relationships over my sophomore year, I found myself drowning in depression. I was fighting a lot with my mom and was extremely lonely. I was rebounding from one of those internet relationships when interim week rolled around. The part that follows is the bit that everyone tells me I should turn into a book. It usually takes me about twenty minutes to tell it, and should take a good while to write.

Our group (the Lindleys, my mom, my grandmother and one of her friends, eight sophomore girls, and me) arrived in London and met up with two other groups. Both were from Canada. Over the week, a few of us from CCS and a few people from one of the Canadian groups got really close. We'd sit around in the hotel lobby until three in the morning just talking. I've never been part of a group that got so close to another group of people in such a short amount of time.

I didn't go to England intending to find anyone. But, there's always a little bit of hope. The week progressed, and while there was this girl in the Canadian group that I wouldn't have minded going out with, I was content just seeing how things went. By the last night, I had totally given up on the possibility of anything happening. We were sitting around in the lobby at two in the morning when I wrote a postcard to the girl that had dumped me two weeks before. That's how much I had written off the chance of anything happening with Jenn.

However, during the next hour I found myself very loose and relaxed. Maybe it was sleepiness. Anyway, I was feeling uninhibited and played with her hair and gave her a back massage while our group sat around and talked. About 3:30, the guy behind the desk kicked us out of the lobby. The day manager was coming soon or something. It was our plan to stay up the entire night though. So, we all migrated up to one of the larger rooms.

One person in our group was curled up, passed out drunk in one of the corner beds. There was space on the other end however, so I sat down and leaned against the wall. As Jenn walked in, I hoped that she might come sit by me. And, she did. Anyway, we sat around talking and using up our leftover film. About 4:30, it was decided that we'd get an hour of sleep before our wake-up call came. So, the dozen or so of us laid back to go to sleep.

Jenn and I were lying right next to eachother in the pitch black. I found it kind of cool that I'd get to sleep by her. I genuinely was tired, thus the next few hours had a dreamy haze over them.

Just as I was about to nod off, she laid her head over on my chest and her hand on my stomach. I thought, "This can't be happening!" but smiled. I planned to go to sleep though...just a little happier than before. However, after a few minutes of indecisiveness, I put my hand on hers. Once again, I thought, "It's not going to go any further...I'll just go to sleep a little happier." Then she maneuvered her hand so our fingers interlocked. I repeated the thought in my mind, when suddenly, she squeezed my hand. I squeezed back. They began very weak and gradually became stronger. Eventually, we were holding our other hands too, and then, holding eachother.

This was completely new for both of us, so occasionally we'd break into nervous shivers. Gentle squeezes would reassure us. Then, with one of our hands, we guided the other one's hand in exploration of our faces and necks.

All we had was touch. It was completely dark in the room and we couldn't make any noise because of the others in the room. I can't describe how surreal it was, time passing slowly but at the same time quickly. Suddenly, the wake-up call came. We sat up awaiting the ensuing chaos. I kept thinking, "Shit, shit, shit," when someone picked up the receiver and dropped it back down. No one woke...the lights stayed off. As we laid back down, I thought, "Yes, yes, yes." We continued exploring eachother's faces, occasionally touching fingers to lips. The one thing that drove me absolutely crazy though was when she stuck her hand up under my shirt and rubbed around on my chest. Before that, I couldn't have been convinced of how mind-blowing that would be. Towards the end of that hour, I had brushed her thigh through her jeans. I kept mourning the inevitable end. The phone call came about seven. It blared relentlessly as a bang came at the door. The lights shot on and everyone sat up. Jenn and I looked at eachother. It was so strange to have sight and sound returned to us. We were in sensory shock. I got up, to find my mom at the door. She was pissed, because I didn't go back to the room that night and she hadn't known where I was. So, I suddenly had been ripped from the most wonderful, dream-like state to a disoriented and hostile one.

We were scheduled to leave at 7:15 and it was seven. So, we all trudged down to the lobby and sat around. Jenn and I sat on the arm of a chair beside eachother. I wanted to put my arm around her, but I felt kind of awkward with Staci, my mom, and my grandmother all walking around. Then, one of the Canadian girls, very perceptively, came up and said, "Aww..c'mon, put your arm around her. You know you want to." So I did. She leaned her head on my shoulder and I held her close as we sat, quietly reflective in those early morning hours. After a few minutes, I had to get up to move a bag or something. Then, I asked to see her in the hallway for a minute. She walked back with me and smiled as she asked, "What do you want?" And, we kissed. It only lasted a few moments, and it wasn't that great, but then again, how would I know? It's been my only kiss in over ten years.

As I climbed aboard the bus, we exchanged one last sorrowful glance. Once in my seat, I grew teary-eyed and was depressed the entire flight home. How could I ever forget the experience I had just a few hours before? In a way, I was justifiably sad, uncertain that I'd ever see her again. However, I did have a new girlfriend, albeit the fact that she lived very far away. We stayed in contact for the next month or so until Spring Break rolled around.

My dad's a very supportive guy, so he drove me up to New Brunswick to visit with her and two other friends of hers and mine, Chris and Crystal. Upon arriving in Fredericton, I wondered what I should do when I met them. Should I hug Jenn? Kiss her? It ended up not being an issue, because they were seated and remained so when I came across them. Anyway, we hung out for the week and had fun. But, I could feel the mental distance between me and Jenn, despite finally being physically close to her again. She was having trouble dealing with a long distance relationship. So, towards the end of the week, we mutually decided to break up. For all my efforts, I got two hugs: once when I bought her a shirt and once when I left. I think one reason my expectations weren't met is because I went up there with the goal of recapturing the moment in England. My trip to Canada was part of the hard lesson that you can never truly recapture moments. Only new, better moments can be made.

For the next few months, I dwelt in my depression. The small taste I had received in England served as fuel for my imagination. Before, I had a desire to hold someone. After England, I knew I wanted it more than almost anything else. My struggles with the thoughts constantly plagued me. They'd strike randomly. I distinctly recall one time when I was merely walking out of school and was struck with this intense, overwhelming urge to hold someone. I was in pretty bad shape until the middle of the summer.

(what follows is an update since I originally wrote that)

Summer '98: Erin
That summer between my sophomore and junior years, I made my annual (at least for the four years I was eligible) trip to Duke University for the Talent Identification Program (TIP). It was my last year there, so I tried to really enjoy the three weeks I got to hang out with some cool people and learn some interesting things - that term I took Chinese Mandarin I.

Anyway, I was assigned a room with two other guys. We got probably one of the best rooms in the entire place...the one they usually give to basketball players during the school year. It was absolutely huge, right next to the front door and lobby of the dorm, and air-conditioned. I also brought along my computer, stereo, and refrigerator/cooler. So our room was basically party central. I think the best way to recount this saga is through a letter I wrote...


Erin,

Hey.
Just wanted to drop ya a line (a kinda long line).

Anyway, I really enjoyed the whole moment thing the other night, and I've enjoyed just being able to get to know you over the past few days. Well, I was sitting in bed just the other night and my mind was wandering. I started thinking about you. I guess I sorta began to dwell on it. After a while I tried to get to sleep but wasn't able to until much later and even then with difficulty. I then must've woken up at least half a dozen times, about once every hour and thought about you again. During my final little bit a sleep I had a really cool dream. You were the main focus. You had guys hanging all around you. Somehow I was able to get near and we joked a bit and then you gave me a compliment. I do remember feeling really good.

The past few days have been really neat. I've been extremely happy in my optimism. After I'd talk to you, I'd be in an really good mood and skipping and jumping around. People have been like, "What the hell are you so happy for?" I explained to a few of my good friends. Then I became a bit troubled. I realized how optimistic and future-sighted I was being. I realized that I had to somehow tell you how I felt. I tried to decide if I should try to talk to you face-to-face or write a letter. I asked for a few opinions. The letter seemed to be the best idea. One reason being that I didn't really forsee being able to have an opportunity and also because I didn't want to put you on the spot. Another good reason I was told was that I could later deny I wrote you a letter if the response was bad. But I'm not going to do that. Anyway, I was also asked why I was going to write, what the purpose behind it was. To tell you the truth, I'm not quite sure at this point, but know you'll figure it out once you've finished. The thing I'm most worried about is that I could be doing this out of desperation, but I'm almost positive that can't be it. You're too perfect for it to be that. To better explain my situation I guess I better go into a bit of my recent history...For the past few months I've been pretty depressed. It was partly because of troubles at home but I cleared those up. The only area I couldn't shake was a lack of companionship. I mean sometimes after hearing some sad songs, I was depressed to tears. Also, little waves would come at random times. I remember one time specifically when I was just walking out of school and suddenly I felt an intense desire to hold someone. But there was no one. I needed an outlet for all the affection bottled up inside me. But there was no one. Well, school finally finished and I became a recluse until I came here. I, ya know, left the possibility of finding someone here, like I always do when I go anywhere, but I wasn't extremely optimistic. I remember when I first got here and you walked in here and told me your name. I made it a point to remember it, but thought, "Well, you'll never get to know her, so why are you trying to remember her name? *sigh*" Then you came back later, I kept thinking you were going to walk out of the room, but you didn't. I was able to have a conversation with ya for about 15 minutes. That in itself made my day and I realized what a great personality you had. Again, I wasn't optimistic that I'd talk to you again. Then by chance I saw you walking into Bassett as I was leaving. I'm really glad I went back in to talk to you. Then you know how things went from there.

From that original "moment" I realized that I really wanted to get to know you better. Since then I think I've accomplished that. I realize how lucky I am to even know you. So it scares the shit out of me to even write something like this and that could possibly create something really awkward. Alright, now that you've read this far, I guess I'll ask you my question (direct and cheesy as it may be). Do you have a boyfriend? Now that you sorta understand the intent of my letter, I'll present to you a little relevant list.

Reasons I would not make a good boyfriend
1. I have very little experience. I've had one kiss since 2nd grade and four girlfriends since then.
2. I would probably have a tendency to be quite affectionate (though not more than would make my girlfriend uncomfortable). Just to be able to hold someone is one of my greatest desires.
3. I have difficulty finding the fine line between apathy and obsessiveness. Usually tending towards the obsessive side.
4. If I was able to manage the obsessive side of me, I'd be trying to keep all my friends at that present time and so would hang around with them some of the time.
5. I have a tendency to probably be a little too giving, open, and honest which everyone tells me leaves me wide open to being taken advantage of.
6. I could never dump anyone even if the relationship were killing me. It'd have to be mutual or me getting dumped.
7. I have a tendency to be argumentative. I debate my points but am quick to admit I'm wrong when I'm convinced of it.
8. I also have a tendency to get emotional and be a bit soft, not necessarily good qualities in a boyfriend (someone who's supposed to always remain strong).
9. I'm a horrible writer.

Anyway, now that you've read this, I just ask that you think about it. Just tell me whenever you get the chance. I would however like to dance with you tomorrow night whatever your response since I've never actually danced with anyone at one.

-Marchant

P.S. Sorry for the length and lack of actual paragraphs (I got a C- in English this year. hehe.)


The afternoon after I wrote it, I slipped the letter under Erin's door, and she found me and told me that she felt the same way. I kept turning that response over in my mind. She didn't have to be that enthusiastic about the response unless she wanted to be. So I was quite happy - bouncing off the walls, in fact. That evening at the dance, I got really my first opportunity to dance with a girl. After we said goodnight, I went back to my dorm room and proceeded to feel really sick. I thought I had mono or the flu. Yet, I still visited her over the next week. I overheard that she thought it was sweet to do that despite my illness. Anyway, several hours after I'm declared non-contagious, she decides that it'd be a good time to break up. Luckily, I really didn't let that one get to me that much. Still had a good time the rest of the term.

Fall '98-Spring '99: Becca
Alright, so that brings us up to the start of my junior year. I went in not nearly as depressed or concerned with finding anyone as I had been the previous spring. I just kind of went with the flow, reinvigorated by the summer.

Turns out, early into that fall, I met a girl named Becca at a swing class I was taking. One evening in particular, we spent hours talking in the parking lot after swing class...finding out that we had a lot in common. I told my friends about her...mentioning that she went to Soddy Daisy High. Patrick misheard me, taking Soddy for 'Swedish', and subsequently began referring to her as 'the Swedish Meatball'. This caught on, and any time I mention this particular girl, that's what most of my friends know her by. Anyway, Becca was a very busy person. She was in her senior year and lifeguarded and babysat. I saw her once in the winter after swing was over. We met at a Books-A-Million and just kind of hung out for a while. I still stayed in touch with her though, calling ever two weeks or so.

I was starting to get discouraged, when she finally agreed to hang out three weekends in a row. Ended up, she couldn't make the first - coming to see a play I was in. However, she came to a house party I had the next weekend...I actually left the party I was hosting to walk around with her for about 45 minutes. The unfortunate thing was that one of my friends heard her make mention of a boyfriend. This distressed me, but I didn't want to bring it up until after prom, which she was attending with me the next weekend. Turns out, I did a stupid thing and brought it up in the middle of prom. After prom I dropped her off at her car (she insisted that she drive, because she was going to a friend's afterwards to spend the night), and she said she'd call me later. She never did. That was the last I heard from her. Though I often wonder what happened to her, and two of the other girls I mentioned but haven't talked to in years, Abbie and Heather.

Summer '99: Katie
Well, time passed and I developed a bit of a crush on this freshman girl in my German class named Katie. I hung out with her a bit during the summer and even went on a few "dates" (though, at the time, she wouldn't have classified them that way, she "graciously" told me I could several months later when I was complaining of a lack of dates). I wrote her a long letter like I had written Erin. In this case, it really didn't work. It freaked her out pretty much in fact. But like I said, we hung out during the summer a bit and got back to being just friends. One of her big excuses was that she "wasn't ready"...when she had just gotten over three relationships...and proceeded to date another guy the following fall. Most of the guys were pretty much jerks to her too. Despite all this, I'm really happy that the two of us have remained friends. It just frustrates the hell out of me when I have to hear how she's getting mistreated. =)

Fall '99: "Dating" Around
Oh well...anyway, got over that...and just tried to "play the field". Basically, that meant, just dating around. Unfortunately, my school was a bit of a bubble from the real world where people went on dates. The word 'date' scared a lot of people to death. It automatically meant that two people were going out. So I freaked out two freshmen and a junior with the word (as in, they really never spoke to me again after that). Finally around the winter of my freshman year, I found a girl who was a bit more balanced and forward with her thoughts.

Winter '99-Spring '00: Taryn
I had always admired Taryn from a distance. I thought she was really pretty and enjoyed ribbing my good buddy Jordan about it since she was his little sister. One time while talking to him on the phone, I felt pretty uninhibited when I heard his sister in the background. I got him to relay the message that she was hot, despite us never meeting, and he did. I then promised him a free compilation CD if he'd get me a date. Please keep in mind, we were just kind of joking around. However, I gradually got to know her and found out what a cool person she was. I kind of let it get around that I liked her. She proceeded to do the mature thing and call me about it. I wasn't used to something like that, and it impressed me. Anyway, she asked if I was looking for a 'serious' relationship, to which I replied, "Not necessarily." At least the exchange was something to that effect. Being the optimist that I am, I deluded myself into taking that to mean, "A 'non-serious' relationship is okay."

Anyway, we ended up going to a dance and prom together. Prom wasn't the best, but compared to the previous year, it was great. I got a little upset when were hanging around outside with several other couples though. It was cold, and several of the guys had given their jackets to their dates. Taryn refused to take mine despite her shivering. Anyway, I found out soon after, that indeed I had been a little over optimistic...she just wanted to be friends. Again, like Katie, she "wasn't ready." And again, like Katie, she went out and started dating a guy soon after. I don't begrudge her nearly that much though. He's a good friend of mine and he seems to treat her really well. So I'm happy for them.

Spring 00-Summer 01: "Dating" Around Again
One particular evening later in the spring, I was hanging out with a very eclectic group of friends. Everyone decided to smoke cigars, even those who I wouldn't think would normally. So, since I don't smoke, I was feeling rather detached...just kind of walking off by myself. Turns out, that the person I least expected to care came over to talk. Chari and I talked for two hours and I gained a respect for her that continues to this day. We hang out every now and then, and back in the fall while talking, I realized that like Taryn, she's the type of girl I want to marry one day. But, I'm also a bit more of a realist now. I don't think anything will ever happen between us. It's frustrating when you find two girls who meet all your standards except that all-important 'likes me'. Guess that's life.

On the senior trip, I noticed another girl, Jodi, that I'd been friends with for a very long time, but had never really had a good talk with before. She had a very serious boyfriend though, and still does, or so I hear. Thought we were going to be good friends, but haven't talked to her in a really long time now.

Anyway, I decided that getting involved in a relationship over the summer probably wasn't a good idea, as it'd cause a long distance relationship when I went to Auburn in the fall. I was starting to get a little frustrated with my friend David at this point though...for years, he'd had admirers...but finally around the spring and summer, he acted...and went for two successive relationships. I should've felt happy for him, but part of me had always thought we were similar and been reassured by the fact that, "At least David doesn't have a girlfriend." It was at this point that I really began feeling pretty alone...that no one could empathize with my experiences (or lack of them, to be more to the point).

Well, once I got to Auburn, I was pretty happy to meet such a large variety of people and get involved in a lot of cool organizations. I kept thinking back to what everyone said, "Once you get to college, the girls stop dating the jerks." Someone forgot to mention the clause that they also only date upperclassmen. Since I've been at Auburn, I've run across potential date after potential date, only to find that pretty much every single one of them already has a boyfriend. It's gotten to the point where I just assume a boyfriend. So, up until two days ago, I was date-less over the entire period at Auburn (I include the clause 'at Auburn', because I did go on a date a home with a great girl named Jennifer, but never really followed up on it cause of the distance - oh, and I freaked out another girl in Chattanooga over the winter). I was grateful for the new female friends I had made in search of a date in Auburn, but I was still discouraged. A particular instance occured a little while back...thought I'd run into the perfect girl and was finally going to have a date. We had some great conversations and a lot in common. Everything I was feeling was positive. I was so optimistic that I went around happily telling everyone. Turns out, as I assumed, I was way too hasty and she had a boyfriend. When I finally did go on a date with a different girl the other evening, I really got the feeling she wasn't into it at all. I don't really know what it was...but I guess, it was at least a date, so I can't complain as much anymore.

At this point, the future is looking pretty bleak. I haven't really run into any girls that come too close to fitting my standards. I know that a few exist from Chattanooga, but I'm not sure that any do here in Auburn...my place of residence for the next 6-7 years.

Anyway, I'm going to Spain in about a week or so with a group from Auburn. "...there's always a little bit of hope."

Yeah, so that's my spiel...sorry for probably taking an hour or so out of your life. Hope you get an understanding of my plight at this point though.