Bell Ringer A priest puts an ad in the newspaper for a new bell-ringer and the only applicant to reply is some fellow with no arms. "You realize what this job requires," asks the priest. "Sure do," replies the no-armed man, and I can assure that I am the best man for the job." The priest is perplexed. "How do you plan to ring the bell with no arms?" The no-armed man, of course, cannot pull the bellrope and instead he rushes to the top of the bell tower and proceeds to dive head-first into the side of the bell. The bell peals beautifully. The alarmed priest rushes to him. "My God, man, if you can do that every hour your hired!" And so every day, on every hour, the no-armed man dives at the bell and smashes it head-first. Until one day he misses and flys out of the belltower, falling 300 feet to his death. On the ground a crowd gathers and one of the onlookers rushes to the side of the fallen man. "Dear Lord!" he screams to the gathered throng, "does anyone know this poor fellows name?!" From the crowd, the priest says, "Well, I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell!" The next day the man's brother, who also has no arms, comes to apply for the same job the next day, but alas he suffers the same fate as his brother. Another onlooker asks if anyone knows this second fellow's name. The priest says, "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother". Courageous Captain Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to repel the pirate boarding party. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was won. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!" Stephanopolous George Stephanopoulos is leaving the Clinton White House to teach politics at Columbia University. A highly placed source at Columbia has provided an advance listing of course offerings that he will teach: Stonewalling: It's History and Practice -- From Nixon to Nussbaum, Prof. Stephanopoulos will examine the White House's history of blocking Justice Department and Congressional investigations. The course will focus on practical applications including: media mockery; subpoena avoidance; document dis- appearance; operation & maintenance procedures for paper shredders; amnesia inducing techniques. Spin-doctoring 101 -- Learn how to make black appear white, turn losses into wins, convert spending increases into budget cuts. Become adept at employing such useful phrases as "The President kept all the promises he meant to keep," "I won't dignify that question with an answer" and "It only appears that the President has flip-flopped." Bimbo Eruptions: What to do when the Heat's on -- Prof. Stephanopoulis will guide students step-by-step through the procedures they will need to master when the boss is caught with his pants down. Learn to tell the difference between Republican sexual harrassment and Democrat sexual harrassment. Advanced Prevarication -- A graduate studies seminar, prere- quisites include: The Basics of Lying; Great Liars of History; Beat the Box - Lie Detectors and Their Weaknesses. The final exam will require the student to appear before a panel of poll- sters, political consultants and journalists and tell 10 consecutive whoppers while keeping a poker face. Grades will be based on apparent sincerity, believability, unctuousness and ability to feign indignation. Contemporary Political Ethics -- This course will include noted guest lecturers. Among those expected to address the class are: Webster Hubbell (pending his parole) on practical plea-bargaining; Dick Morris on the importance of correct positioning; John Huang on creative campaign financing; Craig Livingstone on the impor- tance of keeping up-to-date files; James Carville on bluff, bluster and bravado. Holiday Messages from Santa Claus December 1996 Dear Reader, I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree on Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from "The Twelve Days of Christmas," but we have had a little problem up here. The Twelve Fiddlers Fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the Ten Ladies Dancing; the Eleven Lords a Leaping have knocked up the Eight Maids a Milking; and the Nine Pipers Piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the Seven Swans a swimming. The Six Geese a Laying, the Four Calling Birds, the Three French Hens, the two Turtles Doves, and the Partridge in a Pear Tree have me up to my ass in bird shit. On top of all that, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the Gay Liberation, and those dumb ass Polocks have scheduled Christmas in Poland for the 5th of February. Sincerely, Santa Claus Merry Xmas You think you got it bad? All night long, soot up my nose, stinkin' socks, double barrel buckshot up my butthole, drivin' all night in the fuckin' snow...Hell, I damn near got side- swiped by a 747! Mrs. Claus is pissed off 'cause she found pecker tracks in the sleigh and lipstick on my collar. And that ain't all! Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph, all got the shits over Albuquerque, and now my sleigh is a mess! Those worthless fucking elves won't clean it unless I pay them double time...the little bastards! I'm so sick of milk and cookies, I could barf! Hell...the only hiball I had all night was when I slipped getting out of the sleigh and racked myself. My bladder is so weak that I pissed my pants at 20,000 feet and froze to the fucking seat. Wait...there's more! Now, I find out that I'm allergic to pine needles, and, holy shit, do my balls itch! Oh great! I think my hemorrhoids are back again. Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas...Your Ass!! Bagpipe Jokes Q:Why do bagpipe players walk around while they play? A:1. To get away from the noise! 2. It's harder to hit a moving target. Q:What's the difference between bagpipes and onions? A: No one cries when you cut up the onions. A bagpiper decided to get a beer after a gig and stopped at a bar, acciden- tally leaving the pipe uncovered on the back seat. When he came out, it was too late... Someone broke the window and PUT IN ANOTHER ONE! 12 Days of Christmas December 14th Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With dearest love and affection, Agnes -------------------------------------- December 15th Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes ------------------ December 16th Dear John: Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind. Love Agnes --------- December 17th Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes --------------------- December 18th Dearest John: What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes ------------------ December 19th Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP! Cordially, Agnes ---------------- December 20th John: What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those fucking birds. Sincerely, Agnes ---------------- December 21st OK Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS. Ag ---------------- December 22nd Hey Shithead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screeh. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petetion to evict me. You'll get yours. From Ag ---------------- December 23rd You Rotten Prick: Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commisioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you. One who means it, Ag -------------------- December 24th Listen Fuckhead: What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been commiting sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine. Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister -------------------------------------- December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar) Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of tweleve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Elevator Fun Fun things to do on an elevator: 1 - Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2 - Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3 - Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!" 4 - Whistle the first seven notes of "Its a Small World" incessantly. 5 - Sell Girl Scout cookies. 6 - On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 7 - Shave 8 - Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 9 - Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 10 - Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11 - When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12 - Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Noogie patrol coming." 13 - Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 14 - One word: Flatulence! 15 - One hte highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 16 - Do Tai Chi excercises. 17 - Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while and then announce, "I've got new socks on." 18 - When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh no, not now, motion sickness!" 19 - Meow occassionally. 20 - Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 21 - Frown and mutter, "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!" 22 - Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 23 - Sing "Mary had a little lamb" whle continually pushing buttons. 24 - Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. 25 - Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 26 - Stare at another passenger for a whiel then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and then move to the far corner of the elevator. 27 - Burp and then say, "Mmmm....tasty." 28 - Leave abox between the doors. 29 - Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 30 - Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 31 - Start a sing-along. 32 - When the elevator is silent look around and ask, "is that your beeper?" 33 - Play the harmonica. 34 - Shadow box. 35 - Say "Ding!" at each floor. 36 - Lean against the button panel. 37 - Say "I wonder what all these do" and push all the red buttons. 38 - Listen to the elevator walls with a stethescope. 39 - Draw a little square ont he floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 40 - Bring a chair along. 41 - Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?" 42 - Blow spit bubbles. 43 - Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 44 - Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 45 - Carry a blanket an dclutch it protectively. 46 - Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 47 - Wear "X-Ray" glasses and leer suggestively at other passengers. 48 - Stare at your thumb and say "I think its gettign larger." 49 - If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!" After getting in an elevator, I say quietly (but loud enough for all to hear) "... And then it took so long to get the blood out of the shower curtain". Some will shift uneasily. Helen Keller Q:How did helen keller's parents punish her? A:Sent her in a circular room and told her to sit in the corner. Q:How did helen keller's parents play a trick on her? A:Rearranged the furniture and put a plunger in the commode. Q:Why was helen keller's face bright red? A:Her parents made her think that the iron was a telephone. Q:Why did helen keller's dog jump off a cliff? A:You would too if your name was auloup *retarded noise*. Q:Why were Helen Keller's legs yellow. A:Because her dog was blind too. Q:What did HK's mother do when HK said a bad word A:She washed her hands out with soap. Mr./Ms. High and Mighty Q: How many sanctimonious people does it take to change a lightbulb? A: How dare you ask such a distasteful question! Shame on you!! Lawyers Q:What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A:A good start! Q:Where would the world be without lawyers? A:Depopulated. Two lions are walking in the forest, single file. The lion in front suddenly turns around and says to the lion behind him, "Hey! Did you just lick my butt?" The other lion replies, "Yeah. Sorry, but I just ate a lawyer, and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth." It was so cold last winter, even the laweyers had their hands in THEIR pockets.